They had been married for several years. He had become a passive husband, refusing to make decisions. His comment to her was often, "Whatever you want is fine with me." She controlled the check book, the family budget, his schedule, and most all of the decisions within their marriage.
As the years passed, she found the relationship within their marriage to be less satisfying. Their communication between each other was only factual concerning things that needed to be done. He never shared a romantic word with her. He never showed any emotion. She often wondered why they didn't have a better marriage. Often, she would think of her parent's marriage. Her mother was always in control. She thought that she had to be. Her father was an alcoholic. That was the family secret. If her mother was not in control, things could get out of hand very easily.
Her husband did not have a drinking problem, nor any addictive behavior. So, why was her marriage so much like her parents marriage? Then she would think, well, maybe all marriages are this way. So, she thought her expectations were too high. That's just the way it is, and nothing is going to change it. The thought of her having to constantly be in control of the marriage never crossed her mind as being a problem.
In this marriage, codependency was a problem. Her family of origin was dysfunctional. The main concern was keeping the family secret. Fear was the motivation. Mother had to be in control. After all, when dad drank too much, every one could really be embarrassed. Her mother used manipulation, threats, secrets with the children, and whatever it took to keep dad under control. The underlying fear was always there.
She often thought that her marriage would be so different. She never wanted to marry anyone with a drinking problem. Her husband fulfilled that requirement. He was not the one with the problem, but she was. Fear was the motivating emotion of her marriage. She had trouble trusting him. As a matter of fact, she had trouble trusting anyone. Yet, she never thought that these things were a problem. She always thought the problem was with others.
Codependency is a common problem for anyone who comes from a dysfunctional family. The fear of the past becomes the characteristic of the present, even the fear that someone may think that she had a problem. The inability to trust strikes at the very heart of a satisfying relationship. Intimacy comes from a willingness to be vulnerable to each other.
There are several ways to deal with the problem of codependency. The first step is to admit the problem. That usually isn't easy for someone who has lived with "the secret" since childhood. Also, many good books are available on the subject of codependency. Further help may be sought through professional counseling and support groups. Most importantly, ask God for help in overcoming the fear in codependency. That is a spiritual issue. "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind" (2 Timothy 1:7).
As the years passed, she found the relationship within their marriage to be less satisfying. Their communication between each other was only factual concerning things that needed to be done. He never shared a romantic word with her. He never showed any emotion. She often wondered why they didn't have a better marriage. Often, she would think of her parent's marriage. Her mother was always in control. She thought that she had to be. Her father was an alcoholic. That was the family secret. If her mother was not in control, things could get out of hand very easily.
Her husband did not have a drinking problem, nor any addictive behavior. So, why was her marriage so much like her parents marriage? Then she would think, well, maybe all marriages are this way. So, she thought her expectations were too high. That's just the way it is, and nothing is going to change it. The thought of her having to constantly be in control of the marriage never crossed her mind as being a problem.
In this marriage, codependency was a problem. Her family of origin was dysfunctional. The main concern was keeping the family secret. Fear was the motivation. Mother had to be in control. After all, when dad drank too much, every one could really be embarrassed. Her mother used manipulation, threats, secrets with the children, and whatever it took to keep dad under control. The underlying fear was always there.
She often thought that her marriage would be so different. She never wanted to marry anyone with a drinking problem. Her husband fulfilled that requirement. He was not the one with the problem, but she was. Fear was the motivating emotion of her marriage. She had trouble trusting him. As a matter of fact, she had trouble trusting anyone. Yet, she never thought that these things were a problem. She always thought the problem was with others.
Codependency is a common problem for anyone who comes from a dysfunctional family. The fear of the past becomes the characteristic of the present, even the fear that someone may think that she had a problem. The inability to trust strikes at the very heart of a satisfying relationship. Intimacy comes from a willingness to be vulnerable to each other.
There are several ways to deal with the problem of codependency. The first step is to admit the problem. That usually isn't easy for someone who has lived with "the secret" since childhood. Also, many good books are available on the subject of codependency. Further help may be sought through professional counseling and support groups. Most importantly, ask God for help in overcoming the fear in codependency. That is a spiritual issue. "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind" (2 Timothy 1:7).
