A well known TV personality had been engaged for two years. He surprised everyone when he announced that he was breaking his engagement. He said, "I'm vulnerable." That was his problem. He thought that she was the one, but he was uncomfortable with her because he felt vulnerable. He admitted that he may not ever be able to marry because of vulnerability.
There can be no intimacy in any marriage without vulnerability. Ironically, the very vulnerability that makes us feel uncomfortable, and perhaps even fearful, is the very key to an intimate marriage. The fear comes when a someone thinks, that person could really hurt me. Intimacy always takes the risk of being hurt. That very fear may cause a person to be satisfied to marry someone with no feeling of vulnerability.The person may feel secure, assured of never being hurt, but possibly in a boring relationship, void of real intimacy.
The fear of vulnerability is often stronger with a person who has been hurt through divorce or a previously broken relationship. The same person may build emotional walls to play it safe in a future relationship. This person may not get hurt again, but the same person may never find intimacy in marriage.
How can a person who has been hurt ever become vulnerable to anyone again? Persons who have been emotionally injured in a vulnerable relationship need time to heal. The negative emotions need to be expressed with someone who understands. Often this is done with a counselor. It could be done with a close personal friend. Persons who have been emotionally wounded need to feel safe to express their feelings.
If you are in a vulnerable relationship with your spouse, consider yourself to be blessed. Sure, you could get hurt. Worse than that, you could be in a relationship that has no promise of vulnerability, guaranteeing no real intimacy. Marriages that provide for security in a vulnerable relationship to share your emotions, including the negative ones, provides a dynamic for genuine intimacy. In such a relationship, there is always a need to be sensitive to your partner's feelings, providing a safe place to talk openly, freely, and transparently.
There is a gender difference when it comes to vulnerability. Most often, men have more trouble becoming vulnerable in a relationship than women. So it was in the case of the TV personality. He was very uncomfortable in a good relationship. It wasn't about her, quite to the contrary, it was about him. He may be walking away from the woman who could provide more intimacy in marriage than anyone he will ever know.
Are you in a vulnerable relationship? Does vulnerable describe your marriage? I certainly hope so. Remember, no vulnerability, no intimacy. The good news is that over the years in an intimate marriage, the risk factor diminishes, not because the intimacy needs to subside, but because the trust in the one you love dearly is well established. Intimate marriages are vulnerable relationships.
